I told my bandmate about my breakup only a few days after it happened. This friend knows all about romantic ups and downs: Only a couple of years older than me, he is in the middle of a divorce and has been seeing his girlfriend for several months. He’s often hysterical, but one of those people you put up with because most of the time, their heart is in the right place.
On that first phone call, he was adamant that I get onto gchat immediately, “so I can chat with you all day and cheer you up.”
So when his chat messages devolved into telling me he had recently had a sexual dream about me, I didn’t think it was anything more than my friend trying to cheer me up, as promised, in his own weird, awkward-but-platonic way. He mentioned it several times in the last several weeks, and I’d change the subject by calling him a tease – because I knew he wouldn’t elaborate.
But then last week, he sent me this:
Roar
[My girlfriend] saw my gchat to you from earlier today (re: dream and you saying “tease”) and i have hurt her by letting this happen through my flirting with you. This was really dumb of me. It was really inappropriate for me to flirt with you the last few weeks and now [my girlfriend] knows and is pretty upset with the situation I’ve put her in. You and i spend time together on Thursdays for band stuff and that will be it. I’m going to say right now that I feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation i’ve created and the best thing to do is distance myself from you.
There is no such thing as “innocent” flirting. It’s cheating. Emotionally cheating on someone is just as bad as physically cheating.
I want you to know that it was inappropriate for me to flirt with you and lead you on and drag that on for a week and a half. The sexual flirting was wrong and i have hurt [my girlfriend] and embarrassed myself. I am NOT attracted to you – at all. I flirted with you because i was having a rough spot with [my girlfriend] and was craving attention. You were nothing more than a way to give me attention i needed. I’m sorry for the blunt honesty but it needed to be said.
I love [my girlfriend] and i have made her feel uncomfortable because I hid things from her. She and I don’t do that. We never have and I never want to again. The basis for my entire relationship with her is the openness and honesty that i violated by talking to you the way I did. I dont want any more secrets with her and that includes my flirting with you I am done doing this forever. You and I will continue to have a professional relationship through the band and that’s it.
I’m sorry but when given the choice between risking what I have with [my girlfriend] and playing kid games with you – it’s a no brainer for me. I dont care that this is a hole I dug for myself, I care about [my girlfriend] more than you and when given the choice between you as an “acquaintance” (we don’t really hang out enough to be friends) and her, i pick her.
I’m ashamed of myself big time on this one.
Take care.
Since when did politely ignoring your friends’ bad behavior make one Belle Whatley?
I didn’t respond for two days. I waited, weighed my options, didn’t want to say anything mean-spirited. But when I realized my complete ambivalence about the whole thing, I was able to write back:
Hi [Bandmate],
Thanks for the heads up. I think professionalism is absolutely the way to go and it sounds like you’re working things out with your girlfriend – I hope things improve for you on that front.
To be clear, I do not feel like I was lead on: I considered your attentions to be those of a friend trying to make me feel better, not as someone actively trying to cultivate any kind of sexual relationship. Since long before I met you, I have been (and continue to be) pretty obviously in love with [my ex].
I have never considered you as anything other than a friend. My gchat responses were always friendly and jestingly meant. Perhaps I should have said something to that affect sooner, but again, I didn’t take our exchanges that way, and I’ve been completely preoccupied with my own situation.
All that said, I think it’s time to end my tenure with [the band]. It just seems like it’s always something; and I just have to believe that there is something more healthy out there that will afford me a more professional avenue to use my creativity and talent. I’ve been craving an opportunity to have more creative control, and this seems like the perfect time to go seek that opportunity.
I wish you and the band the best.
Thanks,
Roar
Another relationship over. 2010 really is starting off with a bang.